Goddamn. God. DAMN. This is a Hiroshima-level disaster on comedy right here.

Let’s jump right into this clown shit, shall we? Do you need to know the plot? Fuck it, I’m gonna try to write down what the hell went on in this bloody movie. Way I see it, Zoolander is trying to protect his son who’s the Chosen One being hunted down by Mugato (Will Ferrell) for unknown reasons. And for odd reasons, music stars like Justin Bieber and Usher are being killed for protecting the Chosen One. Leading to an Interpol agent getting involved in the world of high fashion….and now I’m wasting my breath because I realize this movie is about goddamn nothing

This movie is repeating the same fucking joke as the last movie: Zoolander is a damn moron and Hansel (Owen Wilson desperately trying not trying to use heroin again) is an orgy-happy moron. While the previous film included offbeat cameos from the likes of David Bowie and Christian Slater hanging in the background inoffensively, this sequel is a straight up photobomb of celebrities jumping in the frame. And their appearance alone is the joke…nothing clever about them being there; they just fucking show up, have some stupid shit to say and they walk out of the movie without nary a thought.

This is NOT goddamn comedy. Deadpool demonstrated that comedy comes from farcical situations, clever dialogue, and funny characters. Zoolander 2 has none of the fucking above. Aside from having more gratuitous cameos than bloody Entourage, the jokes strung between the appearances range from unfunny to severely out-of-date. There’s a goddamn Elian Gonzalez reference in the first five minutes…Elian Goddamn Gonzalez, a public shit show that predates the first Zoolander by several years. And this is just an example of how much Ben Stiller and his posse are still living in the past.

Which, ironically, is what Zoolander 2 is really about: has-beens trying to reclaim the limelight by any means necessary. And by that, I mean degrading yourself for the lowest common denominator by acting as much as an idiot as possible. I really don’t know why I and others like the “idiot” comedies of the 90s and early 2000s like Dumb and Dumber, and I don’t know why we have turned on them so violently. Maybe it comes from seeing idiots like Donald Trump come close to taking power and suddenly we don’t find idiots cute anymore. We just see them as assholes.

And assholes Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are. Because when there isn’t a celebrity on screen, every goddamn joke is about going back and forth in their retardation. They’re either the dumbest fucks on the planet earth that can be tricked in doing the stupidest things, or they somehow manage to outwit their antagonists and decode cryptic messages. Be a moron or be a genius, Stiller; going back and forth just makes everything look sloppy.

Compounding this mess further is just the wasted talent on display. I’m not even referring to the cameos (though seeing Neil deGrasse Tyson and Keifer Sutherland slum their way through embarrassing cameos was especially insulting). I’m talking about having Penelope Cruz and Kristen Wiig give lame ass performances that don’t even make any goddamn sense. I can deal with one or two characters acting crazy in a sane world or one sane character acting in a crazy world; but when the whole fucking circus is populated by morons, then the movie crashes in a fiery Challenger-style explosion. The one source of decent laughs came from Will Ferrell’s Mugatu, because at least he can make weird so outrageous it becomes funny.

You needed a sane character like Ben Stiller’s wife in the last movie to even out all the idiocy; but as they kill her character off in the first five minutes, you’re left with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbshit through the entire 102 minute run time. It’s astounding to me that this bullshit cost $50 million to make. I imagine a good portion of this budget was spent on paying all these celebrities for their time, but I can’t imagine their appearances took anymore than 15 minutes to film a piece. Thus leaving the rest of the budget to pay for the main characters and leaving table scraps for bit players and nothing for the writers. There’s one character in here that was so goddamn annoying I wanted to strangle him with horse intestines. Why the fuck would I come up with something so bizarre? Because I want to show a little more fucking effort than Ben Stiller paid in this worthless tumor in the pancreatic glands.

Fuck me. Nothing worked at all. Not the jokes. Not the acting. Not the music. And certainly not the goddamn cameos. There’s only one that was halfway decent and that came from Benedict Cumberbatch. And it’s only because he looked so freaking weird when we shaved off his eyebrows that he looked way more alien than he ever has before. Doctor Strange better me the greatest comic book movie I will see this year in order for me to forgive Cumberbatch for being in trainwreck.

I’m trying to rethink what made the original movie work and I honestly am having trouble justifying that first movie to present day me. Why the hell did we feel the need to make fun of male models? Why did anyone give a shit about them? Did we really care if they were that self-absorbed? Did we all enjoy the first Zoolander because it was released so close to September 11, 2001 and that the only way to enjoy it was after suffering through one of the worst tragedies in American history? Did the first movie just catch us off guard? Or is this another case of Ghostbusters 2 Syndrome? Because the end of this sequel is a retread of all the jokes from the ending of the first Zoolander: the absurd fight sequence, Will Ferrell calling everyone in the fashion world an idiot, and Ben Stiller saving the day with his stupid fucking look.

Even if you are hellbent on watching this movie, even if you want to wait to Netflix this bullshit, I guarantee you will still not finish it for it’s most damning sin: it’s boring as shit. Three people walked out of my relatively empty theater and a family’s kids were running up and down the aisles not giving a flying fuck what happened on screen. Normally I hate those kids and their disgusting parents, but I forgave them (the kids, not the wretched parents) because I couldn’t blame them. Only a two people were laughing like idiots at every damn joke because I assume a picture of a dog turd would make them piss themselves.

Don’t be like those people. Avoid this crap at all costs. This movie offended my senses in a way I did not expect Fifty Shades of Black to do. So without further ado, fuck Ben Stiller and…

FUCK THIS MOVIE