Nine Lives Review

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Why is Kevin Spacey in this movie?

Picture the scene: Kevin Spacey is at home enjoying a nice cup of coffee and reviewing all of the great offers he’s been entertaining through his House of Cards success. A knock comes to his door, and Barry Sonnenfeld, the director of Men in Black, introduces himself and pitches to Spacey a movie where he would be voicing a talking cat after he was converted into the animal through magic to learn a lesson about connecting with his family. Spacey, thinking this man is crazy, politely asks him to leave. That’s when the director plays a video from his phone to Spacey. The respected actor sees the video through to the end, his jaw dropping to the floor more with every second that passes.

Spacey seems distraught after it’s over. Mr. Sonnenfeld calmly states: “You really should be careful these days, Mr. Spacey. Anyone with a phone can see any odd celebrity in Thailand and record them sodomizing a goat as they suck the blood right out of the poor creature’s neck.” Spacey only replies, “How much?” Sonnenfeld responds with “For free, I need money for CGI.” This is the only way I can rationalize that Kevin Spacey did a talking pet movie, a genre that died a long and prolonged death after its peak in the 1990s.

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“An undeserved death,” said no one fucking ever

I don’t know how is this real thing. I don’t know who the fuck thought this was a good idea. I definitely don’t know how brain damaged a producer must have been to commit $30 million on a movie like this. Unless of course, they’re running a clever money laundering operation. Or some insane The Producers kind of plot to make a quick buck. It’s utterly fucking bizarre.

To hell with giving you a synopsis. If you ever saw The Shaggy Dog, you know what this is. Some rich guy who’s all about his job and doesn’t hang out with his family gets transformed into a pet to reconnect with his loved ones and learn “what’s really important in life.” Grade A, Disney Bullshit. And some French producers thought they could copy the formula (because nobody else freaking wanted it) and manage to rope in Kevin Spacey through some deal with the Devil kind of shit, who in turn attracted Jennifer Gardner and Christopher Walken as well.

It’s so painfully obvious that Spacey didn’t give one microgram of a fuck when he showed up to work. His live action scenes are just him mugging the camera before he’s turned into a cat and disappears from the film forever. I pictured that he was likely on set for another movie or show when the producers demanded he show up immediately to record his lines as the cat, so he opted instead to just read his lines over the phone. The vocal performance is so goddamn lazy that you can easily tell he didn’t fucking care.

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“Tell me Kevin, how did you score such a sweet deal with Netflix?” “Uhh, Mr. Walken, that’s just a cat.”

Look, in most animated films like ZootopiaFinding Dory, and even the execrable Norm of the North, the voice actors change their inflections and their tone to appropriately react to a particular situation. Spacey’s last fuck was left to die in a Russian shallow grave, so he speaks every single line monotonously as he sips an old fashioned between every page turn. It’s a true testament to not caring. One that can’t even be replicated by Spacey’s costars.

Gardner is confined to four flat sets that get revisited over and over again, to the point it’s completely possible she finished all of her scenes within three days. I guess some actresses just want to stretch their legs. Meanwhile, Spacey likely gave Walken a bottle of brandy to get through this shit likely feeling sorry for the old bastard. Walken is fine, he reminded me of his character in that terrible Click movie. He does his usual schtick before he runs out of the movie a fat paycheck and leaves the director to pick up the pieces.

It’s astounding to me how shiftless anything involved this movie was. Not even the special effects were anything special, especially with its over use of green screen is prevalent everywhere. The cat itself is animated poorly, reminding me of the equally bad Garfield movie with Bill Murray. And the only reason the cat was animated in certain scenes was to do a couple of odd farcical scenes that aren’t even remotely funny. I legitimately have seen better productions on YouTube through the likes of Nostalgia Critic and Rooster Teeth. And those guys do it with 1% of the budget this film had, so it’s absolutely shocking how awful this shit looks.

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Sometimes they didn’t even have money for a computer generated cat. Sometimes a stuffed animal has to do the job with an actor who’s lost all self-respect

Now look, I’m not an idiot. I know this is a film geared towards children, and bless the parents that took them on a Sunday afternoon when I was there. And these kids lapped up all the stupid cat jokes and even some of the jokes spoken. But I didn’t hear any parents, one mom looked tortured as if she prayed for death’s sweet release from this hell. I swear if you take your kids to this, you will regret the very moment you got laid and sowed the seed of your spawn. It’s that kind of shit.

If you’re a parent, don’t venture to a theater for this shit. Wait to rent it and leave the room once the movie starts since it’ll entertain your kid enough but the gags will make you lose your vision since eyes rolled so hard out of your skull. For everyone else? Avoid this shit, this is a fucking trainwreck in slow motion. The 88 minutes that last this film is on par with Chinese water torture. After ten minutes, I was checking out mentally and kept clawing at my face to escape the pain from this shit. I’d rather have a cat scratch my face for a full hour and a half rather than subject myself to this gallon of zebra spunk.

So Kevin Spacey, stop fooling around with those goats. France, stop funding bullshit like this. Fuck you Barry Sonnenfeld, and last but not least…

FUCK THIS MOVIE

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