Aloha Review

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This movie is shockingly awful. As in, it creeps up on you that you realize you’re watching a horrible film. But it’s so PAINFULLY dull, that to review it in my normal voice would be equally as dull…which is I’ve decided to review this movie…in LIMERICK FORM!

There once was a director named Cameron Crowe,
Who made rom coms that made a lot of dough,
“Say Anything” was his big start,
And “Jerry Maguire” showed heart,
Then he got older and made films that kinda blow.

“Elizabethtown” slugged, so did “We Bought a Zoo,”
And then we all realized that this guy had no clue,
But Bradley Cooper had hope,
And Emma Stone thought it was dope,
But both should have stayed home and ate some glue.

Cooper is a hot shot pilot in Hawaii for a job,
Mostly to bless some gate with mysticism and stop a mob
From the natives who hate
Contractors in their lovely state,
So Stone comes to his aid, all the more for her to go and gob;

At Cooper’s physique, while talking like a caffeine addict
And following his curmudgeon ass like a pup he just kicked,
“She’s a quarter Hawaiian,” she also chimes,
(No really, she says it like eighty times)
And at this point, instead I would want to just have been whipped.

Physical chemistry they have, but you could not tell,
With a script this bad a spark between them that would go well,
But that’s just one of the film’s issues
It wants you to bust out the tissues,
When they have to break up in a twist that couldn’t gel,

With the rest of the schlock including Cooper’s ex-girlfriend,
Played by Rachel McAdams, as she tries to mend
Her marriage to John Krasinski,
Who’s not funny to any degree,
Because he’s a literal mute, and wish that joke would just end.

But the awkward romance isn’t the only mistake:
There’s a subplot with Hawaiian spirits in the break
Between all the smooching,
With the real-life Hawaiian King,
And nuclear missiles, leaving nothing in this film’s wake.

You read that right, nuclear missiles are to be sent,
With a satellite, giving this film a bad sci-fi bent.
Nothing in this film jives together,
And you are expected to weather,
All this nonsense and not say “this has a shitty scent.”

This so-called comedy could not bring me to laughter,
It was so dull that I expected to be taken to the Hereafter.
Leaving me to rhyme this review,
To provide entertainment to you,
And you can just say, “we don’t need to this schlock, thereafter.”

Romantic comedies really do need,
A better class and a better breed,
So don’t waste your time,
Or even a dime,
Because this is just SOME OL’ BULLSHIT, indeed.

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