It’s raining garbage, hallelujah

After one bright moment of peace, I’m hit with a big slimy turd daring to call itself a “disaster flick.” Some statements are truly too easy. But even my frequent correspondents knew Geostorm would be a steaming pile of triceratops shit, so is there anything to be surprised by? Yes… it’s not that bad. Now coming from me, that’s saying something because I know what true pain feels like. And some fans of schlock would be interested in checking this out for pure kitsch value, but I’m here to lead my fellow cult members away from the altar of Gerard Butler, because this film is worth no one’s time.

In 2019…near future…the world is plagued by powerful hurricanes and extreme weather patterns (that never get referred to as climate change but whatever), so the international community lead by the United States and China (because we gotta aim for the broad markets) undertake the stupidest and most implausible solution to a problem since building giant robots to fight giant monster. The answer to all of the world’s prayers is Dutchboy, the International Space Station repurposed to the size of a Death Star and a net of satellites surrounding the entire planet that can control the weather. By that I mean satellites drop bombs on hurricanes to dissipate them and fire heat lasers onto cities to warm it up.

Before you think this shit couldn’t get more unbelievable, here comes the head scientist of Dutchboy played by Gerard Butler…who plays an American that was raised in the UK (which is specifically stated to explain his flippant Scottish-American accent). Also, he has a little brother played by Jim Sturgess (from Across the Universe and 21) also having a miserable time determining to use his British or American accent. They are now forced to work together, after a bitter fight that lead Butler getting fired, when Dutchboy begins to malfunction and starts creating extreme weather patterns like flash-freezing Afghanistan and causing heat waves that cause gas line explosions in Hong Kong. Before long, Butler and Sturgess discover Dutchboy isn’t malfunctioning but is actually getting tampered with deliberately for nefarious purposes. Shit…gets way stupider after that.

Look, at its heart, Geostorm is supposed to be a disaster flick in the mold of something like San Andreas or the The Day After Tomorrow. Hell, your director is Dean Devlin, long time associate of Roland Emmerich who made the latter and worked with Devlin on the original Indendpence Day, Godzilla and last year’s horrendous Independence Day: Resurgence. This is a man who knows how the in’s and out’s on working with big budget, special effects showcases as well as the genre. So I must ask the question: why the hell is the most boring disaster flick I’ve ever seen?

It might have something to do with the fact that you really only get roughly about 15 minutes of extreme weather for people to brave the elements in two hour flick. “Wait, what’s the other hour and 45 minutes dedicated to?” you ask from across the interwebs. Well, you get Skype: The Movie…no really, it’s all about Butler and Sturgess competing in their dick measuring contest as they take pot shots against each other online with Butler in space and Sturgess hanging around the White House. You’d think the space stuff would at least be a tiny bit interesting, but believe me when I say you get a poor man’s version of Gravity with a far less compelling lead. Sturgess meanwhile barely gets any action scenes, but he does get involved with the laziest political espionage film I’ve seen in a long time.

Now, you may be quite surprised that I’m demanding for more “action” in a disaster film, but that’s because the whole matter regarding the brothers and the government conspiracy business is just boring as all get out. Honestly, it’s just misleading to call this movie Geostorm because you never actually get a “geostorm.” You’re only entreated to random scenes of Rio de Janiero, St. Petersburg, Dubai and Mumbai getting rocked with extreme cold or heat and featuring characters that are not named, we do not know, and we don’t give a shit about. For all the things that are wrong with stuff like San Andreas, Independence Day, 2012, and The Day After Tomorrow; you were at least following characters that you got to know as they survived whatever was thrown at them. Survival is a depiction audiences really only care about when you have some kind of characterization for the survivor. Could be they say a funny line, they have a sympathetic back story, or they even have solutions to the conflicts they face.  Our main “heroes” really only go through trials and tribulations against the elements in the final 20 minutes of this picture, and none of it was even remotely special.

The zero gravity stuff with Butler was just plain dull by itself, but is slightly more aggravating for me because I really don’t like Butler (could be that I’m still not over this dreadful Scottish-Egyptian take). Sturgess meanwhile is the only character of our acquaintance who is actually thrown in the middle of a natural disaster which is…a lightning storm in Orlando, Florida…that’s freaking it? I mean for God’s sake, lightning is not that damn intimidating by itself, having the conflict set in Florida (where thunderstorms are a frequent occurrence) is just plain bone headed. The only thing that stood out in my mind during this sequence was a Fast and Furious–esque stunt pulled off by Abbie Cornish (who’s slumming it as a faux T-1000, Secret Service agent). It’s pretty much the only thing that awoke me from my little snooze that I so desperately wanted to take.

Oh yeah, and Andy Garcia continues his bizarre streak of appearing in bit roles for no damn reason. Though I’m starting to suspect he’s the dying canary in the coal mine to alert me I’m in for a bad time, as his last four appearances have ranged from disappointing films to profoundly terrible works. All this, and I forgot Ed Harris appears as well…you may be surprised to hear he’s in this because the trailers have hid his involvement in every conceivable way. Of course that may be the film’s way of trying to play up its grand twist you could see coming if you were deaf and blind.

Jebas Christmas, nothing in this damn film worked. Not the drama between the brothers, not the lame ass conspiracy with the most obvious villain ever, and not the abnormally stupid disaster scenes. Geostorm is the kind of movie that makes me want to apologize to dumb shit like The Core, hideously terrible science fiction that has zero basis in reaility. Any attempts this film makes at trying to make its premise plausible gets sucked out to suffocate in deep space because the whole idea of Dutchboy is as far fetched as something like Sharknado. Actually, come to think of it, this movie really is some SyFy level nonsense that was given a slightly bigger budget to pay for a nicer set and more well-known actors who have effectively given up on ever making a quality film again in their lives.

Even if you’re like me, a fan of bad movies, this is a true waste of time. It’s not so bad that it’s funny; it’s just so boring that it’s bad. Avoid Geostorm at all costs for this is…

SOME OL’ BULLSHIT