Fifty Shades of Grey Review

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Slip into something more…idiotic

…Don’t give me that look. I heard a lot of bad, a lot of atrocious things when it came to this movie and I wanted to see it for myself. Mostly because I want to give every movie a chance to prove itself. And what Fifty Shades of Grey proved is that it’s a complete waste of time that somehow manages to be the most messed up film geared towards romance audiences.

So what’s this movie about? Trick question kids, this movie is about nothing. The only hook to this movie is about watching Anastasia Steele (tee-hee) get seduced and subsequently abused by young billionaire Bruce Way…I mean Christian Bal…I mean Christian Grey. How did Grey earn his billions? The movie never explains because it doesn’t give two craps what you think. It’s simply here to lure the readers of the abysmally-written book to cough out a few dollars more.

So Anastasia Steele (seriously that’s her actual name, the porn version is going to have a tough time coming up with a better XXX pun) is basically a mousey doormat who constantly bites her lip and is startled at the slightest provocation. She’s basically Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan in all but name. Which is obviously intentional considering the source material itself was poorly written fan fiction of the miserable Twilight series. Ana’s also unrealistically naive. She’s an English lit major who never heard of concepts like “submission” or even the word “butt plugs.” I’m sure with her degree, she could have figured it out unless she was going to some Christian college (she isn’t). Further not helping is how painfully uninteresting she is as a character. A character in any piece of fiction is only interesting if they spend time changing and growing as a person. Ana doesn’t do anything, she’s simply strung along from scene to scene barely ever showing any agency or power or any degree of self-control. There’s nothing to like about her except the fact that she’s not as bad as her psycho boyfriend.

Psycho boyfriend, and this film’s Edward Cullen knockoff (I mean counterpart) is Christian Grey, played here by Jamie Doran. And let me say that Norman Bates and Hannibal Lecter are far, far, FAR LESS creepier than this fucking guy. Holy shit, Christian Grey is a straight up serial killer. I mean the film straight up calls him that, but instead of turning into a proper horror film, this is somehow a romance.

Seriously, Grey stalks the hell out of Ana to court her. Showing up at her job unannounced, tracking her down (somehow) after she drunk calls him, tracking her down uninvited while she visits her family, then mailing tons of gifts to her doorstep. And just to compliment the creepy factor, he is shown getting jealous every time she’s around another man and even more pissed off when she drinks alcohol outside of his presence. Hell he gets jealous when ANY guy so much as speaks to her. He starts getting angry with her when she doesn’t share EVERY SINGLE detail of her life like telling him she’s going to visit her mom. Plus, he never smiled ONCE in this movie. I can’t adequately explain how UNCOMFORTABLE it was watching this guy court this woman and not crack a smile once. “Disconcerting,” doesn’t cover it. “Fucking terrifying,” might do it justice.

Here are a few choice quotes from the dude: “You’re here because I’m incapable of leaving you alone.” “Listen to me. I don’t do romance. My tastes are very singular. You wouldn’t understand.” “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” “You should stay away from me.” “I need to rectify the situation.” Situation here, being that Ana is a virgin. Oh yes, Christian Grey is a textbook example of an abusive boyfriend. But it only gets worse when the sex gets involved. He frequently uses alcohol prior to having sex with Ana. He pushes the level of the relationship far quicker than anybody should be comfortable with. And of course, he gives ultimatums as to how Ana and him will pursue their fucked up relationship.

Quick aside: let’s go back to that “I don’t do romance” quote. This guy’s a goddamn liar, he spends every second on screen romancing the shit out of Ana. Seriously, he sleeps with her in bed (even though he said he wouldn’t), he cooks her breakfast, plays piano after sex for her, and he takes her out to exotic locations in a super cars, helicopters, and experimental planes. To top it off, for a guy who’s only interested in his pleasure, he sure does spend a lot of time with foreplay…but he doesn’t do romance. Sure. Okay.

Well I’ve danced around the topic enough, and I hear all of you screaming out “let’s talk about the sex!” Fine, you want an opinion? It’s boring. “Boring?” I hear you ask from across the World Wide Web. “Surely you mean some other movie? All anyone talks about is the sex when it comes to the bullshit book it’s based off.” But boring is the only word I can think of. I’ve seen more intensive, more exciting stuff from movies like Original Sin, The Thomas Crown Affair, hell even freaking 300. And this is coming from me watching Dakota Johnson naked for a good long time. And yes, you will be amazed how BORED you can be watching a naked woman. Not helping matters is that she basically orgasms at the slightest touch of human contact. Honestly, I have a harder time getting out of my car than this girl gets off.

What about for the ladies? Is Jamie Doran hot and is he fantastic eye candy? That’s a great question, because I hardly saw him naked in this movie. He’s shirtless for a good portion sure, but he rarely takes off his jeans. You only get a quick peak of his shaft before the film shys away from anything more risque. Although, you do see his ass for about five seconds…that’s it. As for the shirt removal, even Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Gosling would tisk tisk at his blatancy. Plus, I heard the many many women in the audience swoon initially for Doran in the beginning, but as the piece of shit wore on (and they got to know the crazy mofo’) the less they cheered and the more I heard groaning in the theater.

Well about the Bondage Sadomasochism? Surely that must be where all the passion is in? Nope. The most you get are a few scenes of slapping with flails and whips and that’s that. Even the so-called “worst” of it (the actors’ declaration, not mine) is no different than what came before.

Warning, I’m going to spoil this crap ending because I can’t rag on the movie fully otherwise. So if you’re that bothered, turn off your Facebook reading device and toss it out a window. Everybody else, strap in.

………..

Are they gone? Good, now we can really rip into this and keep it a secret from those people who turned off their Facebook. We’ll make our own secret club with a password and secret handshake and everything. Oh wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, this piece of crap.

So Ana is perturbed that Grey won’t open up to her and explain all of his nasty life experiences (like how he got molested by his mom’s friend at 15 – oh yeah, you can add insanely offensive to sexual assault survivors to the long list of grievances). And so she proposes receiving his “worst”. The worst of the infliction of pain imaginable. What is it? What could be more intense than tying up wrists and having sex blindfolded with an occasional ass slap?

Slapping her ass with a leather belt…as opposed to whips and flails he’s been using repeatedly throughout the last half of the film. And this HORRIBLE line-crossing act is what leads to her calling off the relationship.

At that moment, it was the only spark of life I saw in this dreadful 2 hour experience, and was finally glad to see this woman show SOME degree of agency. But before going any further the film just cuts to black and ENDS. That’s it! Nothing more is said and we don’t find out what becomes of their relationship any further than a goodbye.

I shit you not, several women in my showing loudly yelled “are you kidding me?!” And I laughed. I laughed hard. I laughed maniacally like the freaking Joker. And glancing at all the couples with pissed off boyfriends and even MORE pissed off girlfriends, I couldn’t stop my laughter. Course the laughter subsided when I realized they’re making two more movies out of the sequels…or more likely split the third book into two movies to string out a few more pennies out of this bullshit.

My hatred for this film is incredible. I can’t in good conscious give this SOME OL’ BULLSHIT. Because at the end of the day, NOBODY was happy with this adaptation. Not the boyfriends who got dragged to see it, not the girlfriends who were promised hot, steamy sex, and not even the characters in the movie who were simply not honest about what Grey was: a lunatic. So I have to give this a rating LOWER than bullshit. The only rating appropriate is…

FUCK THIS MOVIE

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